The First
by iEl-Ricx
Summary: What if the sync test between Asuka and Shinji didn't work? who would NERVE get to pilot and sync with Shinji? Who could pilot better then Auska and Sync with shinji? WARNING: Rated R for Language, and Intense Asuka bashing.


**The First**

Disclaimer: I do not own Eva or any Animated series at all.

--------------------------

Shortly after the first attack by the 7th Angel or Angels we find our heroes in the Katsuragi residence. At the table sat the Class Representative Hikari Horaki, the First Child Rei Ayanami, NERV's Head of Operations Captain Misato Katsuragi, and two of the Three Stooges Kensuke Aida and Toji Suzuhara. All were witness to the intense sync training of the other two Eva pilots who held the future of the entire world in their hands. Though they sat quietly and watched they all thought the same thing...

--BUZZZZZZZZ--

'We're all gonna die!'

"Well, so much for synchronization!" Yelled Asuka at the poor performance of her fellow pilot. "I could _never_ sink to the pathetic level this animated turnip lives at! If you ask me this whole idea is impossible!"

"Then you give up?" Misato asked baiting Asuka for a psychological ambush.

"_But_ you don't have anyone else, do you?"

'Got you' thought Misato

'I can't believe you fell for it you dumb broad.' Thought everyone else.

"Rei?"

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"Why don't you try?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

Everyone watched in amazement as Rei picked up the earphones and proceeded to do what the Second child failed to do.

'IN YOUR FACE RED!' thought the boys at the table

'I can't believe these hairless excesses for mammals can't even follow a sequence of lights and sounds. I could do that...and I already kicked back three cans..._and_ _I'm color blind_!' Thought Pen-Pen.

"It looks like I should alter the operation to pair Shinji and Rei."

"WHAAAT? HUH? No. NO! I can't stand this! I can't take it anymore! Err!"

Everyone watched as Asuka attempted to slam the door shut to emphasis her rage only to have it bounce back open. Everyone kept their mouth shut because they knew what was good for them. But each time she tried slamming it, only to have it bounce back open, it became harder and harder to hold back their laughter- so they just stopped trying.

"OH FUCK YOU GUYS!" yelled a very pissed Asuka as she gave up on the 'fucking door' and left the apartment

"Good thing for Asuka the front door is automated otherwise she would have embarrassed herself even more." Said Kensuke

"Yeah but that just means she cheated us out of another good laugh."

Everyone stared blankly at Hikari for her, though funny, out of character jab at her own friend. She just sat there blushing and covering her mouth wishing she could take back what she said. Deciding to stand up for her absent friend she made her way to the earphones and pointed them at Shinji ordering him to go apologize.

"So Miss Misato, why _don't_ you just pair Shinji and Rei?" Kensuke asked

"Well despite her short temper, lack of respect for others, and attitude about everything she actu..." Misato said as she was cut off.

"...And her fowl language." added Toji

"...And her superiority complex..." added Kensuke

"...And her body odor." added Shinji shyly.

"...And her head full of split ends..." added Hikari while receiving a high-five from Toji for not missing a beat.

"And her Sixth Toe on her left foot..." added Rei as everyone stared in shock not necessarily from Rei speaking up. "What? I do share a locker room with Pilot Soryu. I am also able to confirm that she is not a natural red head and she has anal war..."

"Ok, ok, ok. Like I was saying despite her flaws she is an excellent pilot and has the highest sync ratio of the three pilots."

Everyone eyed Misato not buying anything she was feeding them.

"Ok Fine! I bet Ritsu that I could make this happen or I'd give up beer for a month."

Everyone in the room face faulted.

--Thursday the 10th: Night before the battle—

"This is the impenetrable 'Wall or Jericho', Third Child. Take one step over this wall and you'll be a dead man. And now, it's time for children to go to bed!"

Shinji just sat there enjoying the view while he could, knowing it would be gone with the shutting of that door. Just as Asuka was about to shut the door the two children heard several beeps coming from the other room. Too proud to admit their fear they decided to investigate together. They peeked around the corner to see Pen-Pen using the Sync Mats.

Thanks to Pen-Pen's super sense his eyes caught those of the children and they stared each other down neither daring to make a move. Slowly Pen-Pen stretched one of his legs to the side and slowly side crept his way to the archway leading to the kitchen. Then suddenly turned and waddled away as fast as his stubby legs could allow.

"Dumb Bird probably thought it was a Dance-Dance-Revolution Machine." Said Asuka as she walked back to bed

Pen-Pen peeked around the corner in the direction of his stalkers and flipped Asuka the middle claw.

--That same night at NERV just past the gates of Hell—

"It is my expert opinion that the Second and Third Child aren't at an acceptable sync level to successfully complete the mission. My apologies for my short comings sir."

"No Captain the attitude of second child has allowed us to foresee this scenario." Reassured Commander Ikari.

"Attitude, don't you mean Bitch-atude?" replied the Sub Commander as he High-Fived Gendo.

"Anyway a contingency has been formed. We will pair the Third Child with the First."

"Rei? But sir I was under the impression that she was unable to pilot EVA 02."

"You seem to have misunderstood me captain. Not the First Child."

"The FIRST? You can't mean..."

"Yes Captain that's exactly who I mean."

"But it's been three years since the First has even set foot in an entry plug."

Gendo simply smiled behind his steppled hands as Misato took this as a sign of her dismissal.

'Euh, that is so creepy.' Thought Misato as she exited Hell and reached for her cell phone to start organizing the operation. "Hey Ritsuku I'll need you to prepare The First's Entry Plug for use in EVA 02."

"_The_ First? I see. Everything will be set before the operation tomorrow." Said the women on the other end.

--Friday the 11th: Mission Preparations—

Shinji sat in the entry plug of EVA 01. The walls of the entry plug flashed to life, as Shinji was now able to see everything EVA saw. At the lower left of his field of view he saw Asuka on the catwalk with a very 'Asuka look' on her face aka she was pissed off times a million-infinity.

"Hey Asuka what are you doing? Why aren't you in your plug suit? The mission is about to commence." Asked Shinji as he opened an external communication channel.

"I'm not _participating_ in this one _Wonderboy_ !" Retorted Asuka who look like she was about to blow a gasket...or something.

"Wonderboy? That's a new one." Shinji said not really meaning to be heard.

"Yeah _Wonderboy_, because it's a _wonder_ your a pilot!"

Asuka said in her 'in your face' tone as she raised her hand to high five a passing technician. He simple shook his head in disagreement as he went about his work.

"Oh FUCK YOU!" Asuka yelled as she turned to all the other tech workers. "FUCK ALL OF YOU. I know you all like wonder boy over there better!"

The tech crew simply let out a low "mm-huh" in agreement.

"FUCK YOU GUYS!" Asuka yelled one last time as she stormed off. Asuka stopped at for a moment to take in the sight of her EVA and for once know just how much it truly ment to her. Suddenly EVA 02 slowly turned to her and started opening and closing it's hidden four eyes.

"FUCK YOU GUYS! Fuck you." She yelled as she started crying and ran out of the Eva cages just in time to avoid the sight of her own EVA giving her the finger.

--Friday 11th: The Battle Field—

"Spread your AT-Fields as soon as the music starts. Then follow the operation choreography. Are you two ready?" ask Misato to insure her instructions where received.

"Roger!" Shinji acknowledged.

The pilot inside Eva 02 simply exposed its hidden four eyes once again and let out a terrifying howl.

'I hope this guys knows the moves.' Thought Shinji.

Just then a black communication box opened and displayed in red text:

Full power, maximum performance.

-Eva 02-

"Huh? I didn't know Evas had text messaging." Shinji thought out loud. He returned to the communication screen that was still open to the bridge. "We'll finish in sixty-two seconds."

"Target entering Ground Zero." Informed Lt. Aoba

"Detach external power cables. Launch." Misato commanded as she sat back and waited for the sixty-two seconds that would determine how out of his mind the commander was.

--Friday 11th: 62 Seconds Later—

"GEEZ!" exclaimed Misato as she covered her face in shame.

The though the mission was successfully completed and the Angel had been destroyed, it came at a price. The explosion of the Angel had managed to strike another harsh blow to NERV's dignity.

"What is the status of the Evas and rescue teams?" asked Misato.

"Eva 02 is no longer twisted like a pretzel and is now flapping it's arms and shaking it's head try from it's swim in the lake, and the second rescue team is still having trouble removing Eva 01's head from it's ass." Lt. Huyuga reported trying to contain his laughter as the rest of the bridge crew, including _both _of the commanders, turned and cringed at the thought of Eva 01's _really-long_ forehead mounted horn.

--Friday 11th: Debriefing—

"Welcome back Shinji," greeted the Vice Commander. "Go ahead and have a seat."

"Uh, if it's alright with you I'd like to stand." Replied Shinji as the NERV officers tried to once again contain their laughter as they watched him 'cowboy' walk his way slowly to a wall to lean up against.

Once again the Vice Commander went through slides of the battle discussing both the strong and weak points of the battle.

"The mission was a success...until the end." The Fuyutskis expression then took a more annoyed look as he went frame by frame of Eva 01 flying through the air and _landing_ on it's own head...then showed it from another angle...then through a thermo graphic camera...then an X-ray.

"Ok, Ok I get the idea." Shinji spoke up in an attempt to save what little dignity he had left. "Why isn't the pilot of Eva 02 being briefed?"

"A pilot like him doesn't need debriefing." Informed Fuyutski. "But you do deserve to meet him. He should be her shortly."

The door to the debriefing room slid open and Shinji face-faulted at the sight of the pilot.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!" Shinji exclaimed with his mouth open. "Pen-Pen? Pen-Pen is an Eva Pilot?"

"No." Ritsuko took over. "Pen-Pen or Pen2 was the first to successfully activate an Evangelion so he has been designated The First."

"Wait, I thought Ayanami was the First?" questioned Shinji

"Rei was the first human trained and deemed capable of piloting an Eva. Pen2 was one of many animals test subjects in Project E, so seeing as that they are not humans they are not classified as children."

"I didn't even think animals could sync with an Eva." Asked Shinji.

"Of course it is, you know that silver thing Pen2 wears on his back, It's an older model A-3 Nerve connector."

"I thought that was a portable air conditioning unit?" quipped Misato.

"Really Misato, how naive are you? Why would a _Hot _Springs Penguin need an AC Unit?"

"One more question. Why do you keep calling him 'Pen2'?"

"It stands for Prototype Evangelion Navigator. They where bread to work in conjunction with a DP System we're working on."

Caught up in the conversation Dr. Akagi almost exposed one of NERV's many secrets and the commander took this as a cue to end the debriefing.

"Uh, Dr. Akagi, you explained about the Pen part, how about the 2?"

"He was a test subject," Ritsuko said as she paused for a moment to provide one last bit of information. "You didn't think we got it right the first time did you? I'm a perfectionist so I don't even consider _this_ one right."

As the doctor made her way out of the room Pen-Pen stared at her with anger at the fact that she didn't get a chance to see him giving her his famous middle claw.

A/N: (The pilot's ID will remain a secret and will only be reffered to in this Author Note as The First. If you really wanna find out Read the story.) ok right now I bet you guys are wondering WTF?!?! This was just an idea I came up with while I was watching Eva. I noticed that the First was far more synced with both Shinji and Asuka then they where with each other. The Idea of The First being who he was has been an idea my brother and me have been kicking around for a while but he never did anything with it. So I wrote this as to motivate him to get cracking. I guess you can consider this a prelude to his story, but all it really was meant to be was a good laugh and a chance to poke some fun at Asuka. Before all you Asuka fans tear me a new one let me just say I enjoy the Asuka/Shinji stuff and do somewhat consider myself an Asuka fan, but that that bitch deserves to get torn up a little now and then. Please review, flame, compliment, whatever. I enjoy reading your guy's thoughts about my work.


End file.
